Shipwrecked - Chapter 164: An Out (nosex)

Please read my Explicit Disclaimer before you read my work.

To read the Author's Introduction to this series, click here.

Visit the Story Index to read other chapters.

Chapter 164: An Out

Katie's cries woke me in the night. I could smell soiled diaper as I rose and took my daughter from where she was struggling lightly against Bailey. My young wife smiled at me and I saw her close her eyes when she understood I had things under control. They had returned from the North the evening before and I'd thoroughly enjoyed curling myself around them when we'd slid into bed the previous night. I carried Katie to the common room and was surprised to find Kinnon and Yplanah awake and talking quietly near the entrance.

"Hey, Kal," Kinnon called softly just above Katie's cries, "and hello, sweet Katie-girl."

I grinned and slid my daughter onto one of the tables built into one wall, quickly swiping the soiled cloth diaper from her body, cleaning her thoroughly, then tucking her into a clean cloth, the little girl giggling as I kissed her stomach. She'd actually gained some weight on her frame over the past month and had the cutest little pudge there. Katie's bright eyes watched me then she turned to watch as Kinnon and Yplanah strode up to offer kisses of their own on the infant's cheeks.

"Hard to believe," I said quietly, "she's almost a year old. Three more days."

Kinnon rested her hand on my arm and said, "You're such a good papa."

I shrugged, "Sometimes feels the opposite. Bailey does almost everything for her. I... I feel like I do far too little..."

"That's how it must be, Kal," Kinnon replied. "You have responsibility for everyone, for everything here. Bailey knows this. I've seen her with your daughter. I doubt she believes you do too little. No," Kinnon added, "I suspect she wishes only that the three of you had more time to yourselves..."

I realized the truth in those words, and it hit at the heart of the relationships I held most important to me, both official, as Chief, but also as a husband and lover of several women besides Bailey. I nodded but didn't reply.

"That's not a judgement, Kal. But... Bailey is young and I expect there is a part of her that... that wishes you were hers and hers alone... And with Katie... I guess what I'm saying is... Just keep that in mind. She may never say so, but I have no doubt she craves that despite all you do."

I nodded silently again, feeling a little disappointed to have not revisited that concern, one I'd had during the early days of my relationship with Bailey, years earlier when we'd first invited Keekah and then Gale into our intimate lives, eventually including my first wife and our lover and others. Bailey had never much complained, only showing her hand in times when I made assumptions about our relationship and didn't communicate effectively. I might not have a lot of time for any single person, but Bailey certainly deserved a bigger share than I'd given her over the years.

"Want me to talk with her about it?" Kinnon asked.

"Huh?" I grunted, lost in my thoughts a moment.

"About... the time you have to spend with her and Katie..."

"Oh... No... No, that's something I have to do."

"She'll lie about it," Kinnon said softly as Yplanah tickled Katie's belly. "She'll tell you all is well, that you already do everything you can and that she wants nothing more, but... that won't be the truth."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because that's what I would do, Kal. I'd never want you to feel bad about the way things are, to feel bad that your love and time and energy is spread across so many. I don't mean jealousy, not directly, anyway, but I know I'd wish that the father of my child was more available for us than you can be for them now. I'd lie to you and say I'm totally happy with things, but I'd be lying. At least somewhat."

I think Kinnon saw the concern in my expression. She added, "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, Kal. I just... I just think you should know. Maybe I'm wrong..."

I shook my head, replying, "No... I'm sure you're right. Bailey's always been a rock even when I knew she was frustrated or missing our personal time. She never complains or makes demands of my attention, usually only softly asking when she felt it was something I could do. God, Kinnon. I hate that you're right."

Kinnon took my hand, brought it up to her lips, and kissed my fingers. "She's strong, Kal. We all have a gap between our wishful fantasies about our world and the realities we must live in. That's always been so for all of us. So long as we are aware of it, we can do our best to ensure our loved ones are always considered..."

"Thanks... I... I think I needed to hear all of that..."

"You're welcome." Kinnon wrinkled her nose and shuddered with a small grin. "Should have had you wash your hand before I kissed it. Smells like baby poo."

I laughed with her and let the two women keep an eye on my daughter while I cleaned up the soiled diaper outside and put it into the bin to be washed, then thoroughly cleaned my hands in one of the interior sinks. I stared at the small mirror attached to the wall just above and tried to take Kinnon's thoughts into my head. It left me feeling a little less sure of myself, and I realized that I had a long ways to go before things were, as Felicity had called them the night before, "perfect." I resolved myself to talk to Bailey that morning and see what I could do to ensure the gap between her wishful fantasies and her reality grew smaller with each day.

- - -

Kate and Ekoh had been on night watch and my first wife joined me after I got the morning fire going. We kissed and I asked, "Long night?"

"Not too bad," she grinned. "We fooled around a bit. Professionally, of course," she said with a sly expression, "at least one set of eyes on the horizon. But there are a lot of things we could do even so."

I laughed and nodded, "I've noticed that myself."

Her expression sobered and she said, "Listen. We were talking overnight. This person of interest, related to GS, the one those rumors say is here on Phoenix..."

"Yeah?"

"I wonder if they mean you..."

"Me?"

"Remember, Kal," Kate explained, "you were an outsider... taken by Progress on a GS boat... somewhat... uncooperative... justifiably, I understand, but..."

I realized she was right. "They never stopped believing I was on the wrong side..."

Kate nodded.

"Goddamnit... Progress still thinks I'm working with GS and that I'm worth tracking down."

"You did disappear in a rather elaborate way... I'm sure a few people are not exactly thrilled by whatever fallout that caused. They won't have forgotten you."

"I'm putting everyone at risk just by being here..."

Kate watched me but didn't respond.

"Goddamnit..." I repeated.

"Kal... there's nothing to be done about it now."

I chewed my thoughts, not fully considering what I said next, "I could turn myself in. Keep them from coming here."

"What?! No, Kal. No way!"

"It would protect everyone else!"

"Bullshit," Kate spat. "Utter bullshit. You really think you could just go show up at a Progress base and say hello and they would forget about Phoenix? Have you forgotten that Nina and I are AWOL? That there are other reasons for Progress to come here which don't include you?"

I shook my head. "I... True... Jesus Christ..."

"It won't help to worry much about it, Kal. Really rather sorry I brought it up..."

"No, I'm glad you did," I replied, "at least we can connect a dot or two from what we heard about those rumors. It seems inevitable that we'll get a visit, doesn't it?"

"Seems so..."

The dread and fear I felt in that moment made me feel a little nauseous. Progress was going to arrive in our home at some point, and they weren't exactly going to knock and wait quietly for us to open the door.

- - -

Some days were like that. Concerns about intimate, personal issues mixing with ones just as troubling from the world out there. I didn't get a chance to have a moment to talk with Bailey until late in the afternoon as others in the South began to realize their own fears regarding the rumors and the threat from Progress or GS. There were squabbles between Unune and Heeuah and Nina about access to weapons and tight ration schedules. Enumi screamed at me in tears in her native tongue, her little daughter in tow, and I needed a sleepy Ekoh to translate rapidly to understand that she wanted to ensure that a boat and supplies would be made available for anyone who wished to leave ahead of the 'invasion' of Phoenix. Even Kinnon was grouchy throughout the day, brooding and grumbling at times. I knew she had rediscovered her need for alcohol when I heard her slurring words at one point.

And I still hadn't had a chance to digest the red flags raised by my conversation with Felicity, let alone talk to anyone about them. Felicity was one of the few that day who kept a cool head, even offering me small bits of encouragement and support throughout the day, though that just added to the feeling that things between us were more complicated than they'd been days before. I had no time to worry about that situation and accepted her kindnesses as best I could.

I put out little fires all over, and it was the first time, that I recalled, we'd had such a bitter tone on the island. There had been much fear and worry, uncertainty and doubt, in our years on Phoenix, but never had we had so many people feeling so worked up and ready to protest. I knew we'd reached a bit of a crisis point, and so, I announced a meeting of as many as could attend, at the evening meal. I made quick contact with those in the North and Gale agreed that she'd leave a skeleton crew behind and bring the bulk of those working the fields with her. She, too, had encountered similar vibes and was worried that we were quickly becoming frazzled as a community.

- - -

The North group poured into camp and I could see weariness and concern on many faces, including Gale's. The long Summer days meant there was plenty of light to finish work around the camp before the evening meal was put on. We broke out tuna steaks and potatoes, steamed greens and onions. I wanted everyone to have a chance to settle into our circle near the camp fire and get some much needed nourishment before we sank into the difficult conversation to come.

I met with Gale, Tok, Kate, Manu, and Hakee, the Elders plus the heads of our Security and Resources in the common room while the others started to eat. "So, I think we all know why we're here, yes?" I asked the room.

Heads nodded and Tok replied, "We do. People are frightened."

"And it's up to us to calm them," Gale added.

"Honestly," Kate said, "we can't lie to them. That won't help."

"Agreed," Gale replied, "I only mean that it is our responsibility to ensure they understand the risks and possibilities, good and bad, and try to ensure they understand that everything we do is for all of our wellbeing." Gale sounded a little defensive, a sign that the stress brought on by the fishermen's news had rapidly affected everyone.

"So, the truth is that we face what we must consider an inevitability. Progress will pay us a visit, likely sooner rather than later. If they want a fight, they'll come heavily armed and in numbers. We won't have much of a chance."

"So do we just surrender at first contact?"

I shook my head. "No. That would be showing our hand too soon. I don't want to see a single weapon raised, but we don't just roll over. We might be able to convince them they can get what they want without any violence."

I saw Kate's face turn to stone. "You aren't turning yourself over, Kal. I won't stand for that."

"Hmm? What's this?" Gale asked.

I let out a long breath. "I think the person of interest, the one possibly being given safe haven here on Phoenix, is me. I think they want me returned to them. They... they still seem to think I've got information they need..."

"We don't know that, Kal," Kate growled, "and even if that's all correct, we aren't letting you be taken. No chance."

"If it means you all survive—"

"No!" she said, slamming her palm against the wall with a loud bang.

"I, too, have no desire for this," Tok said evenly.

I tried to remain calm. "But... there are some here who might see that trade as reasonable... including me... Trade one person, a volunteer, to save everyone else? To save family and friends and... children? To avoid a single bullet being fired? I'd do it in a heartbeat..."

Kate slammed the wall again but said nothing.

"It is for the Council to decide, I think," Manu said strongly. "It's not in our Constitution, but I think we must take this power if our Chief is considering such a thing."

"Agreed," Kate growled. "I vote 'no.'"

"As do I," Tok agreed.

"That makes three of us," Manu drew her hands together as if in prayer. "You will not be surrendered, Kal."

"But—" I began.

"We've spoken," the woman said firmly, "let us move on to other issues..."

I shook my head, not sure whether to continue arguing for my possible martyrdom or being thankful that the Elders had decided to protect me instead.

Kate watched me a moment, blinked, then looked at Tok and Manu. "We have some in the South who have suggested they wish to escape Phoenix before Progress arrives."

"Absurd," Hakee grumbled, "to where? With what? Not a chance. If we have to fight, we need every person to defend ourselves, whether shooting or guarding children or running supplies..."

"Is this option even on the table?" Manu asked. "Who is it who seeks to leave?"

"Enumi is the one who voiced the idea," I said, "but I doubt she's the only one thinking it."

"Not even a citizen yet!" Hakee barked. "She has no right to demand anything!"

I could hear the arguments about that thought starting to boil into the room. I knew it was not something we could hash out in the time needed to do so, the contentious idea that one of our new arrives had no right to demand an escape route, but, perhaps, a citizen could, would make a great constitutional philosophy discussion one day, but it was too far down a rabbit hole to tackle.

I raised my hand and said calmly, "Okay. Wait. Just wait."

I walked over to one of the tables and opened a small jar where rolled joints were waiting, taking two and a lighter, then lit them both, inhaled, and passed one to each side. They others paused their objections and support of Hakee's thoughts and we stood in silence a moment while the smoke took effect.

I suppose it might seem outrageous to some, to have the leaders of a community boiling in fears and frustrations get stoned just when difficult decisions were needed. But I, for one, had always found it gave me a clear head, in an odd way. It smoothed out the edges, took away the dramatic, icy outline of the problem and let me consider things in a more measured way. I hoped it had the same effect on the others.

After we'd all had a few puffs, I started again, "So... Let's ignore for today whether a non-citizen has such rights. It doesn't matter today. Right now, we need to decide if the option, for anyone, is on the table. Will we provide the means by which some might leave Phoenix ahead of whatever is to come?"

Eyes had softened though I knew the passions had not so fully, but Hakee's voice was much more calm when she replied, "We do have an extra boat, one we'd not counted on, and one with a... troubling history. I suppose we could afford to lose that."

"And," Gale added, "there's no way we'd let someone leave without enough food and supplies to get them... wherever they are going..."

I caught Tok's eyes, "Thoughts?"

"Can't say that I like the idea. Leaving just to not be on Phoenix is a suicide mission. Much more likely to be caught up in all the violence out there than here, seems to me. But... I will agree we can provide the means..."

Kate mumbled her agreement and took another hit from the joint between her fingers, and Manu concurred.

"Then we'll put forth this option," I said, "these people are not prisoners. They are free to leave. We will not be harmed by the tangible things they take with them, though, as Hakee pointed out, the loss of their persons will not be so softly impactful. Next."

"For those who are staying... we need a plan. Several, I suspect," Kate said, tapping off the end of the joint and passing it to me. "What do we do if they come in, guns blazing? What do we do if they want to negotiate to take you, Kal?"

"I don't think we'll have good answers with details in time for what we must do tonight," Manu replied, nodding towards the eyes peeking our direction from around the fire. "Tonight, we just need to let people know we're working on it."

Hakee frowned, "That wouldn't calm me one bit..."

"In... better words," Manu replied. "Kal... has a way with them when we need it most."

I nodded, "I'll do my best..."

"I've already been working on plans for our defense," Nina said, "and we can start teaching everyone tomorrow. So they'll know what to do. Where to go. When to... when to stop shooting and give up..." Those last words were weakly spoken over a lump in her throat. I knew Nina detested the idea of not fighting to the bitter end for something she felt was worth dying to protect.

"And I've already planned out a set of depots we'll need to set up and maintain. Supplies in the camps, and the cave, of course, but supply dumps, weapons, that sort of thing. I'll work with Nina overnight to ensure we coordinate together."

"Good. This is what we need to tell them. Not just that we're working on it, but that we've got specific ways in which we're doing so. Good. This will help."

I roached the joint and saw Tok doing the same with the other.

Kate said, "I think folks are getting rather anxious. We should go and do this..."

"Let's go. And thank you, everyone. This is difficult, but I'm glad we're together on this. That's vital for all of us, and them, to see us working together. Thank you."

- - -

I thought passing out joints to everyone before we began would be a bad signal, but I had grabbed a few to light up a little later on. Instead, before I'd eaten, I stood in the middle of those gathered, all but the five of our island's population in the South camp. Tila, Tika, Mie, Poln, and Sebastian had volunteered to stay North and keep watch.

Around me, I saw a mix of tension and concern, no tears but emotions showing which, if allowed to fester, would surely lead to them. It was only later that night that I would really feel the weight of expectations and responsibility I held in that moment.

I looked at Bailey and saw the love and trust that I needed right then. She smiled that beautiful smile at me, and I reached instinctively to take Katie from where she was nestled against Bailey's chest, holding my daughter in my arms and rocking her a moment before I spoke. Ekoh stood by to translate my words for those who spoke little English.

My eyes came up, meeting those around me, one at a time, in silence. Then I glanced down at Katie. "This is everything to me," I said, "this little girl. I never believed people who told me they'd do anything for their children. Anything to protect them. To give them comforts and peace. To offer them opportunities and challenges and support." I let my eyes wander from person to person, then settled on Keekah, where she held our twins against her. "And those two, as well. And that one," I said, looking at Amy holding Azure. "And that one," my eyes now on little Holly, the four-year old sitting on the sand with her mother's arms around her shoulders.

"Every decision I make, every situation we face, we must think about those who cannot help themselves. Who cannot defend themselves. To whom our thoughts must constantly seek to ensure that our actions make their lives better.

"Not just the children, though," I said, pulling Katie from one shoulder to sit around my neck, little legs dangling onto my chest. "Everyone. Every single one of you. Of us. Every day, in everything I do, I give all to ensure that your lives get better, too. It isn't easy, as you're seeing now. We're facing a challenge unlike any we've faced. And I see in your eyes the concern. And I feel your demand that we get this right."

I paused when Katie grumbled and shifted and reached for her mother. Bailey took our daughter and I continued, "You've all heard the rumors, but let me make sure the reality of things is clear. We have good reason to believe that Progress United will come to Phoenix, and we don't know what form of attention they seek to give us. We know that they believe we harbor GS sympathizers, of sorts, and I have good reason to believe that I am likely the one they are looking to find here."

I heard intakes of breath, but no one spoke or audibly replied.

"To be fair, I've offered to surrender myself if needed to avoid violence. The Council has voted unanimously to prevent this option from being considered. And they're right. Not just because I do not wish to be taken, but because there are zero guarantees that this will solve the issues of those who remain. It may, in fact, embolden them."

A hand raised, and I nodded towards Kinnon, the woman more sober than I'd seen her earlier that day. "Are you, or were you ever, an agent of GS? Why you?"

"No, to the first question. Never. My only contact with GS was being knocked out and kidnapped by them over a year ago, here on Phoenix. I was found, unconscious, on a GS boat by Progress soldiers. I was questioned... extensively... in Papeete, and I suspect that is the seed of these rumors that they seek someone here. I escaped, with a lot of help, and that probably did not help make me look like a good guy at the time. I'm sure it made it appear more likely that I was working for the enemy. Rest assured, my only goal in escaping, as several who were with me could attest to, was to return to Phoenix and those I love."

"But what if you're lying?" Enumi said, plaintive. I could hear the fear for her daughter in her voice. "How do we know this is true?"

"It's true," Nina responded. "Kate and I were with him when the world went crazy. We were on a cruise ship which was blown up. Separated for months. Kal washed up here, as did Bailey. Until Progress found him on the GS boat, he'd been on Phoenix every day since."

"Says who?" Enumi asked.

"Me," Bailey replied firmly. "And Keekah. And Gale. And a bunch of people not long after. We didn't even have a functional boat until Manu and the others arrived from Hahonoko. And I saw Kal get taken, sort of. Amy was closer. She saw him get hit and taken. We watched Kal get taken from us and... and..." Wet blinks. "And, goddamnit! No one is taking him again. No one!"

Enumi watched my young wife a moment, saying nothing but not showing whether those speaking in support of me had soothed her concerns.

"I'm happy to tell everything to anyone interested, but... not tonight," I said. "It's a long story, probably better told from the journal I've kept since the first days on Phoenix. But right now, we have to move beyond this. I understand you have doubts, but you came to Phoenix, knowing nothing about me and most of those here, nothing more than wishful rumors. You trusted us enough to risk your lives to be here. I ask that you trust me now. Phoenix is my home. It's home to my son and daughters. I'll do everything to ensure it stays that way."

Enumi finally nodded and appeared to accept my words.

"So what do we do... I've spoken with some who wish to leave Phoenix ahead of whatever is to come. The Council and I have agreed this is a reasonable request. We will provide a boat, the Humble Beginnings, and some supplies, enough for a week or so, for anyone who wishes to leave Phoenix. There are some obvious places you might try to seek refuge within a day or two of hard travel."

There were several stunned faces, and a few which I was sure were immediately considering the option.

"I think I don't need to tell you that leaving Phoenix does not remove you from danger. Why are we not fishing in deeper seas? Why are we not sending Ekoh to trade? Because GS and Progress are out there and the risks are high. Beyond that, where is there to go? We know so little about the rest of the world, anything beyond a few days of travel, that we couldn't even point you in the most reasonable direction. Will you find allies or enemies? How can we even know which is which at this point? I surely can't.

"But the option is offered. Let me be clear: We need everyone's help to push through this challenge. Every person who leaves reduces the ability of those who remain to survive and thrive. Not just through the coming days, but the weeks and months ahead. Leaving makes it harder for those still here to meet the challenge of Progress, but also of the harvest season. The new fields. New shelters.

"I say this not to shame or guilt you. But you deserve an honest view of what your decisions will mean. I can say that I fully understand if you decide leaving is the best thing for you and those you love. I understand it."

I leaned down and took a sip from my cup of now-lukewarm coffee. "But I'm not leaving. I've made my decision. If I cannot be traded for your security, then I'm staying here." I looked again at Bailey and Katie, then around to the other little ones. "Because each of those children deserve to be protected. Because I would hope that, if I were not here, each one of you would protect them in my place. I'm asking sacrifice, I know, but that's the reality we face. There may be gunfire. Explosions. Violence like some of you have already seen in this war. I hope we can avoid such things, but we must prepare for them all the same. I'm staying, knowing all this."

I waited for Ekoh to translate then asked, "By a show of hands, by no means a final decision, who is considering the offer of a boat and supplies to escape from Phoenix?"

At first, no one stirred. And then Enumi raised her hand. I wasn't surprised by that one. Nor terribly so when Iplah and Yplanah did the same. The fourth hand, though, surprised me.

Felicity's fingers were still and slightly curved. For a moment, I didn't even recognize the gesture. I cocked my head in disbelief. I thought Felicity was finally starting to become comfortable on Phoenix, and given what she'd been through, I believed there was no way she'd go back on the same horrible boat which held so many terrible memories for her.

Maybe, I realized suddenly, that though she trusted us on Phoenix, at least a little, the things which happened in war made her wish to flee. The fear, the rapacious violence, those may have been more to fear for her than just taking her chances trying to get away before it arrived. I felt my stomach sink a little.

I brought myself back to the others. "No decision is needed tonight," I said finally. "But given that we don't know the timing of what is to come, I would expect a decision within two days time, departing no later than the following day."

There was a heavy silence even as the breeze began to pick up and send the fire's flames dancing wildly around the bottom of the metal pot over top.

"I'm staying," Ekoh said firmly, "so what about the rest of us? What are we going to do?"

I nodded. "I'm glad. And preparations are already underway." I gave a rundown of what the Council and I had discussed with Gale and Nina and Hakee, emphasizing the coordination and proactive steps being taken. I saw lots of nods and fielded suggestions. Several people were drafted to help with various parts of the planning and implementation. I could see, of those who were certain to remain on Phoenix, a clear resolve and confidence starting to reestablish in each.

But Felicity just sat there, stone-faced and serious, not reacting further and not offering explanations. I saw Kate whispering to her at one point, but Felicity only nodded a couple of times, her eyes directed towards me most of the time.

Another round of questions and comments slowly drifted off into side-conversations, and that was when I passed out joints and Tok fetched rum for those interested.

As the crowd milled and separated, I sat down next to Felicity. "Sorry to see you go," I told her, "if you decide to, that is..."

For a moment, Felicity didn't respond, then she took a joint from Kate after the redhead bent down to hand it to her and inhaled deeply, exhaling and speaking at once, "This isn't my place, I think, Kal."

I responded quietly, "Is there anything we can do to make it so?"

Felicity frowned, "Start wearing clothes and stop fucking out in the open..."

"Oh," I replied, "that's... not going to be easy."

"I know," she said, "and I'm not expecting you to bend things just for me. Its... Everywhere I look, Kal... I'm afraid. Is Tok going to rape me? Will Nina help hold me down while he does? Who will protect the younger ones from such things?"

"But—" I started to protest.

Felicity raised her hand and I stilled my voice. She said evenly, "I know it is not rational. I know you all mean no harm. I believe I would even be safe here. But... I cannot help that these thoughts are swimming in my head, to the point where I feel paralyzed some moments, like running and hiding in others."

"Will it be better somewhere else?"

She shrugged, "Maybe... At least it won't be so in my face, Kal. You know... swinging cocks, fucking people all over... at least those will be well hidden."

"Those are triggers..." I whispered, understanding a little.

"Maybe, maybe not... I don't know. Like I said, there's nothing rational. I'm just... damaged. I thought maybe I could heal here, but then... then..." she shook her head.

I realized suddenly what else was going on. "It's me, isn't it?"

Felicity stared ahead a moment, then said quietly, "No, it's me. This all came too fast, Kal. This place, it's openness, it's freedoms. You. Maybe a few months from now, a few years, I could come back here and be happy. Maybe. Right now... so soon after what I went through... I'm having a very hard time finding a balance. I... I built all this up in a way that wasn't realistic in my head, trying so hard... and I've done the same with you... and it is foolish, I know."

I looked down at my feet, sand covering my toes. "I'm sorry, Felicity."

She waved her hand weakly, "Don't be. It's not your fault. You love many, you love easily, you offer more than I deserve with your friendship. I'm sorry that I've... made my own world in my head where that's not enough for you and me..."

It was as I'd feared. Felicity's attachment to me had built from nothing to overwhelming in mere days, and I had no idea how to deal with that.

"Hey, Kal," I heard Amy say quietly, "the Elders need you a while."

I nodded as Amy sat down beside Felicity. I turned back, about to suggest Felicity and I talk more about her decision, and I saw Amy taking the woman's hand and casting me a look which suggested I should just go. I cast Amy a weak smile and headed off to deal with preparations being made for the nearly-certain confrontation to come.

- - -

Amy told me later that she had possibly made Felicity more strongly reconsider leaving, and it surprised me just how. It seemed Amy recognized the looks the woman was casting towards me, looks I'd missed until very recently. When she had just arrived, Amy had been lost and frightened, her parents gone, her world being only the dark, wet inner bay in the Hahonokoan's boat where she'd stowed away. She told Felicity that she needed help, a lot of help, and that I'd been one of the people most willing to help her.

It grew quickly into a fierce attraction for me, one she hid somewhat over those early days. Amy felt intense jealousy and anger at herself. I was with Bailey, Keekah, and Gale in those days. Why would I want some broken little girl to be part of my life, too? And worse, she felt hollow knowing that her fantasies about me, innocent ones usually, were never going to come true.

"I told her," Amy said as we sat together looking out over the moonlight-splashed waves moving gently along the beach, "how I thought I wanted to leave. It wasn't just that I missed my parents, but I felt rejected by you, that I wasn't worthy of being with you, and besides, you already had prettier girls to lie with you, to kiss you, to just hold your hand."

"You never told me, Amy..."

"I know, and I wouldn't have told you now except that Felicity... she's going through something like that now. Not quite the same," Amy cautioned, "I didn't get brought here by a rapist... But the fast-attachment she made to you, I understand that, and it's really hard when you feel lost, lonely, broken, to not be the center of the person's life who you have most drawn your fantasy life around. It's not sexual, more innocent romance, but also desperation, Kal. You remember how scared and frail I was at first? I felt that way inside, too. It took a long time to feel myself again. But you represented a light in the tunnel, and I latched on to that idea, even when it hurt to know I would never been the only girl you loved..."

"I didn't know..."

"I know," she said, holding my hand, "and I'm not looking for apologies, Kal. You did everything right. You were my friend first. My savior, in a way. You saw that I got fed, warm places to sleep, and love that was platonic. I was too young to tell the difference between that and romance."

"Well... to be fair," I offered, "I did feel an attraction to you, too. Not just sexual, I mean..."

"I know, I could tell, but... to me... I'd built things up so that Bailey and Keekah and anyone else... they would fall away because you only wanted me. I didn't want them to hurt, but I really wanted you to myself..."

"So... what changed... or has it?"

"Oh, it all changed, I promise. I don't feel that way any more. Actually," Amy replied, "it was Bailey who helped me understand. She told me about Kate and Nina and the relationship you'd had with them, that you'd lost them and you and Bailey had found each other. That she'd held some jealousy for Kate, especially, because she knew you still loved your wife. But she told me that as got to know you, you never treated her like there was someone else more important. Even after Keekah and Gale came around, you still made her feel like she was the most special girl in the world. That's when I realized that maybe I could carve out a space like that in your life. That's why I finally decided I wanted to be with you, first as a girlfriend, of sorts, then as lovers. Bailey really helped me to learn how this could work. She's my best friend, you know. I love her to no end."

I smiled, "I love that. You're both so amazing. I really am the luckiest man in the world, you know."

"Oh, I know," Amy laughed, "but the reason I'm telling you that now... that's what I told Felicity. How I saw things when I first came here. How I felt. How I got used to the nudity, to the open sex, the polyamory. It was overwhelming at first, but now... I cannot imagine any other way to live. I love what we have, Kal. All of us. I wanted Felicity to see through my eyes. I had suffered before coming to Phoenix, not like what she went through, but I felt broken and damaged, too. I hope Felicity can see that she might have a place here if she's willing to give it time..."

"Did... did you talk about her feelings for me? I'm afraid I might have encouraged her, not meaning to, just... you know, being me..."

"We talked about it a little. She loves you, I think, but she also hates herself for letting that happen. She's been broken, emotionally and physically, Kal. Trusting someone is a weakness. Trusting a man is worse. By letting herself trust you, she opened the door to unrealistic expectations. She told me that when she'd watched you with me and Keekah the other day, she felt strong emotions, anger, jealousy, hatred. Felicity felt horrible, but she was honest in telling me that's what she experienced. That's when she started looking for a way out. You offering the boat... that was her chance to get away from what she felt for you..."

I nodded, "I wish I knew what to do."

"Do you love her, Kal?"

I shrugged, "Not like you or Bailey or Keekah, no... Not like Kate. I love her, sure, but... I dunno, Amy. I want her to be well. I want her to be happy like I want everyone to be happy. The fact that she's suffered worse than others... that just makes me feel it stronger, I guess. Not saying I pity her, though I suppose I do, but that... I love her because she needs love. No. I love her because she deserves love. It's not got the depth and doesn't come easy like it does to love you, Amy, but... I suppose... it is a love of sorts."

Amy replied, "Don't tell her any of that, Kal. Not right now. I don't know what she might think. On one hand, she craves your love. On the other, if she knew it was something... less... than you feel for me or the others... that might be devastating."

"Okay... What do you think I should do? I really don't want her to leave, not that I want Enumi, Yplanah, or Iplah to leave, either, but... I suppose I've got a place in my heart for Felicity, and I know Kate does. I'm not convinced her life gets better out there somewhere. I really want to believe, Amy, that everything she needs to become whole again... it's right here on Phoenix."

Amy squeezed my hand but didn't respond, letting my words drift off and wash away in the surf. Amy had no answers for me. She'd done more than enough to take on Felicity's conundrum and share with both the woman and me her private memories. I'd had no idea about what Amy was thinking when she'd first arrived. No clue what she felt for me, what she wanted for us. I wondered if I was so oblivious to everyone else around me and realized with disappointment that I almost certainly was. "I love you so much, Amy," I whispered as I leaned over to kiss my young wife.

She smiled, "I know. I'm so glad for that, Kal. You make me feel special no matter how wide you spread your love. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world."